Alex | Twenty-One | Georgia | Taken
This blog is rated M for Mature (NSFW).

Okay. Seriously. Nap time. Bye~

Elvira’s 1958 Thunderbird (x)

#want   #gimme  

I need to get some sleep… Eh.
Going to take a nap, watch MMFD, maybe clean and such.

There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.
Willa Cather, The Song of the Lark (via larmoyante)
I’m scared, and I hate that I’m the kind of person who’s scared of everything. I never used to be like this. I used to be brave.
What happened?
The world happened.
Rae Earl, My Mad Fat Diary (via ireneanna)

So, I did something I shouldn’t have. It’s not up for discussion (I will not talk about it with anyone), but it’s why I haven’t really been around the last couple of days. I’m considering putting more into my queue and taking a few more days because, honestly, it’s what I need to do. I’m not sure yet though. I miss you guys, and I want to be here, but I really just need a break (even more than the one I’ve just taken). I don’t want anyone thinking I don’t love them/care about them or to worry about me. I’m okay. Really, I am. Just…yea.. /sigh

I’ll let you guys know what I decide sometime tomorrow. 
I love you all, and I hope you are doing well and had a wonderful holiday.

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I Won’t Give Up | Jason Mraz


Driftwood sculptures by James Doran-Webb

Physically, yes I can live without you. 
I can eat, breathe, and sleep easily without you. But if I’m not sharing half of a medium pizza with you, then I don’t want to eat. And if I can’t feel your body move up and down as you breathe, I see no purpose in breathing. And if I’m not waking up chest deep wrapped in your arms, then I don’t want to sleep.
I’ve never wanted someone this badly. (via the-psycho-cutie)



these men that agree with you are not respecting women. they’re respecting you because they know you are willing to bend over like a good sex slave. notice how they stone-wall any woman with a different opinion. it is because they will only listen to the opinions that please their objectification of you

do you really think you are liberating by playing to them? by doing what they want you to? is that really your version of feminism? to live in a world where women are upheld when they are under a certain bmi, a world where women are “required to wear makeup for their survival”? where women are only ever praised for WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE, rather than the words that come out of their mouth? and a woman that doesn’t look the part will get shunned regardless of what she says?

do you really want to live in a world where literally 50% of the planet treats you like an O-B-J-E-C-T because i am honestly very confused as to how you can pander to the very people oppressing you and still live with yourself, very very very confused

I’m going to assume this is in response to me bringing up some of the things you said on my Twitter. If not, everything I’m about to share should still be pretty valuable in the respect of being able to share ‘my own view’ of my job.

It’s been pretty interesting reading that you’ve supposedly been to my chatroom. Especially that you advise people to visit my chatroom ‘to prove’ all of the incredibly ignorant and hateful things you say about my members and me. Had you ever actually spent time in my chatroom, I’m positive you could not be saying anything that you have been without some serious delusion.

I’ve banned any member who was under any impression that he could control my comfort level with cash, even a long time member who eventually crossed the line. Any member who has persisted after I’ve said no is banned. Any member requesting age play is banned. Any member who refers to me as a teenager is banned. Any member who calls himself my ‘daddy’ is in for an earful from me and a chorus of ‘ew’ from my members, and is usually banned. I never wear school girl outfits, I warn anyone requesting them. I don’t allow anything negative to be said about anyone’s bodies, age, looks, or mental health. Everyone has to respect that I don’t like dirty talk, name calling, or sexual/romantic flirting. These are all limits and rules that I’ve implemented because they allow me to do only what I enjoy and what I want to do, and nothing is ever forced on me.

Ask any of my regular members if they, or anyone else, can make me do anything. Ask them if I do requests. Ask them if I’ve ever even seriously flirted with them individually. Ask them if I’ve ever done a 1v1 show with them, and if so, how long did they know me before that happened. Ask them about the people I’ve dated! Many of them are very much involved in my personal life, because woops they actually care about me! I’m pen pals with quite a few of my members and a lot of us text throughout the day. I have met and hung out with many of them, and none of them ever even hugged me without asking or making sure I was okay with it. I have plans to meet a few more throughout the year, all people I’ve known longer and better than any of my local friends. I’m going fucking larping with my friend from MFC this summer. All of my members become friends and support one another, most of them talking now outside of the chatroom. I can talk to any of them about anything going on in my life and they listen better than most people I know. ‘No one cares what comes out of my mouth’ yet 600+ people watch me talk with my chatroom about anything and everything, fully or mostly clothed, for hours. When I clearly wasn’t into doing public ‘shows’ anymore, my members stopped tipping for them. I had to pick their brains one night because I was confused about the sudden disinterest in shows and the majority of them said they could tell how I felt about them had changed. If I’m feeling sick, tired, or am just not into doing anything else, we talk all night. We often have way more fun and generate more consistent tips when we’re just talking and making fart jokes, to be perfectly honest. My room is very much known for being ‘strict’ when it comes to anything I’m not comfortable with, and that’s not a problem for most people.

As for looks, in an industry that is in reality selling your image, your looks effect your career. You know what else is really important in this industry? Confidence, which is creating a great image to market in it’s own. I’ve fluctuated between 20 lbs for two years now, and the only thing that has effected my career negatively is my occasional lack in confidence. No, not when I was in the higher end of those 20 lbs, usually when I was the most emaciated and sick. I had/have bruises all over my legs, I clearly had/have little to no muscle definition, and people (like you) aren’t shy about expressing their disgust with my body. Even on cam, I have to ban quite a few people for making comments on my weight. I wore long socks almost every day because my skin stains easily and I have a lot of bruises from being anemic. As for makeup, please. Every one of my regular members knows what I look like without make up. I go on cam all the time with little to no make up. My skin hates foundation so somedays I just can’t wear it or any makeup, and no one ever says shit. Well, tumblr folk they sure do, but my members don’t care and never have. My confidence has been the only thing to truly influence my viewers/income, and my confidence is influenced by a lot of things, the least of them being my weight.

You are treating me like a ‘thing’. I am a face to your disgusted disposition on porn and thin women whose images are popular. & Ya know what, if you’d ever like to discuss the truly disgusting things that mainstream porn perpetuates, feel free to message me. If you’d like to have a chat about how much nicer everyone generally treats me in real life and on tumblr now that I’m thin, hit me up, I’ve got stories. Some people are going to objectify me with my clothes on, giving them the middle finger. Some people are going to see my body and feel badly about their own (which I’m pretty sure everyone has experienced) no matter what I weigh. Some people use my images to trigger themselves, which is one of the reasons why I always always always talk about my health issues, never tell people my weight, and block any pro-Ana or ED blog/account that follows me. I’ve had many discussions with recovering women and men who know what it’s like for eating to be difficult, so they look to me for advice on how I’m getting healthy. We have disordered eating for different reasons, but I can at least relate to their current state of health as we’re all underweight and that causes similar issues. I’ve had a friend say that they couldn’t follow me while they were going through a hard time with their self image and we talked for hours about confidence and health. Last I saw she was getting a gym pass and sent me pictures of an overnight oatmeal recipe I sent her.

My job is to be entertaining, and I happen to like to entertain naked. Part of my job is marketing my physical image, much like models or actors, so I post a lot of photos. I’ve been posting nude photos since I was 18 because I genuinely enjoy sharing my body and my sexuality, and not always simultaneously. I can completely understand having a sexual attraction to someone you wouldn’t date or even have sex with unless the opportunity somehow fell into your lap. I can understand finding my friends sexually attractive and never ever making them uncomfortable about it, as I usually don’t say anything unless it’s clearly welcome. I can find someone attractive and still respect them. I am capable of it and so are many many others. I love my job because it is often an escape from people who ACTUALLY treat me like garbage, like a good for nothing skinny whore, because they haven’t taken the time to relate to me or listen to me. That’s pretty much you, in a nutshell. You’re refusing to see all of these realities because of what you’ve accepted to be the ‘reality’ of all porn, all sex workers, and all men.

I’ve deeply considered everything that you’ve said, as vile as some of it has been, especially towards my members/friends, and the only conclusion I can come to is that you’ve not done the same with me. It’s hardly fair to bombard someone and condemn them for things they’ve never done when you’re only going to take things at your first or assumed impression. You’ve been incredibly distasteful when expressing how you feel about me, which no matter how you spin it is wrong of you. I don’t know that being ‘concerned’ about something/someone means calling them disgusting, spreading rumors that they said that they starve themselves, claiming to know their nutrition & motivations like their doctor & psychologist, and saying that they indulge in other’s pain. I’m all for expressing opinions that don’t match my own, it’s how I learn, but it’s a bit difficult when you’ve been attacking me with your opinion from the very beginning. You can share how you feel about my industry or something that I do without biting my fucking head off. Hi, I’ve been responding to you this whole time, I’m clearly receptive to criticism, but you’ve just been a moving target from the beginning. First, it was a problem with my body, then it was that ‘my members are pedophiles’, now it’s that I’m a sex slave who succumbs to the will of men and money. YOU don’t treat me like a real person, or talk to me like one, and I can’t imagine you truly think of me as one. It’s been very disheartening reading how adamant you are about refusing me and only projecting your idea of me instead. I’m really tired of being your punching bag. If you honestly don’t care about anything I have to say, at least find something else to talk about.

Oh man, as if my night wasn’t bad enough,
I just ripped my belly button piercing.

I’m in pain. I’m really sad. I’m done. Goodnight.

I am constantly torn between wanting to improve myself and wanting to destroy myself.

I just need to disappear.

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